If you’re wondering why nobody responds to your resumes, you may want to take a look over my own cover letter recently sent to mega corporate world leader Match.com. Please note that I included specific skill sets and even offered a reasonable time for them to call.
I am the kind of get-shit-done individual that you’ve always dreamed of having on staff. When it comes to Financial Data Analysis, I make numbers my bitch. I have a weatherman’s acumen for forecasting and can make budget models out of macaroni, though digital media works just as well. Not only do I boast over two-hundred twitter followers, I’ve tracked and analyzed hundreds of people through Facebook, many of which were completely oblivious.
When it comes to public speaking, I have the kind of voice that draws the attention of everybody in the room, restaurant, or bathroom. I have years of experience talking to seniors and youth alike, though I usually speak slower and with less slang to the older generations, and make sure my graphs have large lettering out of consideration for their decaying vision.
I am detail oriented, as proven by the shininess of my reliable mode of transportation that, yes, I do have one. Plus, I can solve problems without the use of irreverent Latin phrases.
If you’re still on the fence about whether or not you need me, rest assured that you do. My software skills are off the chart – mostly on computers. My rhetoric skills could sell shit to a litter box. I can rock a bow tie like a mother fucker. The only supervision required is when I need somebody to tell me to go home because I’m just that career oriented and focused.
Besides, you guys owe me for introducing me to my wife.
I will be expecting your call between 2:30 and 4pm Central Standard Time at ###-###-####. I also accept emails, but do not guarantee you will reach me on the same day.