The baby invasion is upon us! I don’t know if all that summer lovin’ (had me a blast) is coming around full-circle-of-life, but there’s more crowning around here than a Disney marathon. Don’t look at me, I’ve already got a full litter and not looking to add any more. But many of my friends are contributing to the gene pool and several for the first time. I may not be father of the year, but the best advice I can give for raising your little prince or princess is to take a looooong look at those Disney classics you grew up with: and learn from their mistakes.
I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE
If you’re up at the local honky-tonk bar with a freshly polished pair of beer goggles to browse potentials to replace the lost mother of your child, you’re either a bad country song stereotype or one of the original Disney princess dads. That’s right, both Snow White and Cinderella suffered at the hands of their father’s libido. Wait. That sounds bad. What I’m saying is that Snow White’s dad got himself the fairest in the land, but that beauty was only skin deep. Turns out she shared the same fetish as a certain big bad wolf we all know and love, dressing up in old ladies clothing and looking to drop the younger competition.
As for Cinderella, the poor bastard looked to combine families. But not being so kind as to leave a kingdom when he croaked, the little Cinder chick got picked up as cheap labor. There’s a lesson to be learned from this, guys. Put your kids in front of your junk. I mean primal needs. You know what, just keep the two subjects in separate paragraphs altogether. Nothing good can come of this.
IT’S NOT OVER-REACTING IF YOU’RE THE KING
Thank the stars above that good ol’ Maleficent didn’t finish her sentence with ‘prick’ before the king up and announced that every last spinning wheel in the land would be destroyed. There would be a number of unhappy men in that kingdom. But to destroy every spinning wheel, think of the number of jobs he cost his people? Not to mention the cost of having to import pre-spun thread. And what about those poor bastards who make/sell/repair spinning wheels? How will they tend to THEIR daughters who are doomed to poke, prick, and prod themselves? Doesn’t seem to matter when you’re the king. Don’t get me wrong, being a dad and being rational aren’t always on the same plane of existence, but it doesn’t excuse being a dick to everybody else. Just think of the example you’re setting.
AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT
Seven daughters. That’s a lot of daughters. That’s a lot of daughters to NOT have contact with. Considering every time we see the man, he’s sitting on the throne looking bored, you’d think he’d make the effort to get to know his daughters, have open communication. Nope, he doesn’t even do his own snooping. He hires a Jamaican musician to tag along and look into his daughter’s suspicious activity – that he only learns about through word of mouth.
I can only rag on his faulty relationships so much, because he also redeems himself by filling in his daughters contract. This ultimately gives the kingdom and his all-powerful trident to a bloated evil witch, but it’s done with the best interests of his daughter in mind. No. Really.
CRAZY OLD MAURICE – Hands his only beloved daughter over to a monstrous beast to live as a prisoner in his stead after being caught trespassing.
SULTAN – Said it best: “Her mother wasn’t nearly so picky.”
CHIEF POWHATAN – “Kill the white devil” – You’re doing it right.
CONCEAL IT – JUST KEEP IT THE HELL AWAY FROM ME
Most people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them flat out I hate Frozen. I could go on for hours about everything that’s wrong with the film, but that’s just nit-picking around the much bigger problem. If you ever want to feel like a wonderful dad, compare yourself to Elsa and Anna’s father:
1. Introduce your character with an accusation. That’s right, come out swinging at the small white-haired child with “What have you done?” and “This has to stop.” But don’t worry kids! He knows where to go! As he dashes off to the library.
2. Confirm with the mystical creature that you’ll take care of the problem. But don’t get his advice on your brilliant plan of holing yourself and your entire family inside of a castle. Nothing wrong with that.
3. Your special little snow flake is growing up! She has big feelings that can’t be contained! Buy her gloves. YOU ARE WIN!
4. DIE – Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? As you and her mother serve as the girl’s only confidants in this domestic prison you’ve created, the best gift you can give her is that of freedom. Or absolute loneliness. Whatever. You’ve already gone and isolated two siblings from each other. At least you left them a castle, kingdom, and irreversible social stigma.
It’s not that the king doesn’t care about his family. It’s obvious he does. But my rubber DUMBASS stamp will single you out over the bumbling Sultan any day of the week. As a parent of a child with autism, yeah, we don’t necessarily celebrate her differences, but we also don’t leave her at home or with a sitter while we take our NORMAL children out of the house. Be they special needs, physically handicapped, super genius, super tall, super fat, super gay, super WHY, or belong in Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, all children should be loved for the unique individuals that they are and NEVER led to believe that their differences are anything to be ashamed of.
SO WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
As for Lord Fergus, Mulan’s dad, Tiana’s dad, I’ve got no real beef because they didn’t serve much of a purpose. Sure you can hold arranged marriage over Fergus’s crippled ass, but let’s face it. He wasn’t the one wearing the pants in that house and everybody knows it.
In regards to the King of Corona, Rapunzel’s old man, well I don’t have anything negative to say. He might have been a wonderful father, but all I know is that every year on his birthday he had his kingdom light a crap-load of floating lanterns in hopes of guiding his missing daughter home. I don’t tear up at most Hallmark commercials, but I still gotta wipe away the wet every time I see his face of hopeless sadness on his daughter’s birthday.
But dude, tighten security. Stolen babies, pilfered crowns, and prison breaks… when your best soldier is a horse, you got issues my friend.